I wake up alone again, and again, and again. I try to bring some company to bed. More likely to get company to stay in bed. I’ve been married several times. I have a boyfriend, we are happy, but he won’t sleep with me. I don’t blame anyone really. I don’t. I fart a lot. I don’t mind the smell of my own farts. In fact truth to tell I quite like them. I know that sounds a bit perverted possibly, maybe a lot perverted, but that’s how it is. And I know it gets a bit worse under the cover’s, a pressure can build up and cause any amount of olefactorial distress, even injury. One of my ex’s was lighting a cigarette after our sumptin’ sumptin’ and her eyebrows got singed by the flare up. The covers were sent flying and I wondered why my ass felt cold.

Mitzy went and got the fly swatter and started laying into me. I guess she had had all she could stand. I jumped out of bed and started running around the house with my dingle hangin’ out. She found me hiding behind the couch in the family room and she swatted me until she collapsed on me in a fit of laughter and we ended up having probably the best sex ever.

Too bad we broke up a little while later. Ahhh.

My current lover Simon never farts, well, I never hear them or smell them and he swears up and down that he never farts on the sly. I find that hard to believe, I just don’t think that it is humanly possible to not fart. There is shit involved after all and the digestion process is, well, complicated! Lots of chemicals involved and some of that has to be gas. Gas is a chemical. So the fart-less. The non-farting. The fart-challenged shall we say. There has to be a pressure build up issue. Simon is a bit short tempered and I have been wondering if that could have something to do with it. I’ve never broached the subject.

I personally revel in a good well-made, well-focused fart. A fart well emitted. Well trumpeted. I feel them developing right after my meal. I have done some study and discovered some foods that alone or in combination are superlative at producing the right amount of gas, with the correct aroma. The fart and its bouquet, not tart, not sugary, something like ambrosia, the aromatic equivalent to prune juice. Which is ironic when you think that prune juice really works for me. Prune juice and cabbage, actually sauerkraut which is a kind of pickled cabbage. Prune juice/Sauerkraut and hot red chillies, oh my, it gives me goose bumps just thinking about it.

Simon made it clear after he had heard the story of Mitzy getting singed, that he would be sleeping in his own bed in a separate room and I was to make sure to let loose as much fart as possible before he would consent to have sex.

Only once, is the answer. You see, I knew what you were going to ask next. I knew that you were going to ask; if I had ever farted during sex?

The Admiral’s Boy